so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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