You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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