I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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