life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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