I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize