Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize