Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize