im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
