Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
