if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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