I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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