foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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