he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
