we have officially lost it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
