i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Do vagina's smell?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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