i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
