peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
