god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
