I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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