why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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