Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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