2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
