Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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