I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
