in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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