just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
