he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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