When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
