People in love make me want to vomit
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
