oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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