my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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