I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
