I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
