i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
