i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
