My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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