Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
