i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you will always have a special place in my vag
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
