My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
