at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I came so hard my ears popped.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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