So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
