i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
