He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
