If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
