I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
