So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
