I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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