My friends, they love my intelligence
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
