i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
