my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
