I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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