he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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