Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
