ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
