Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got inside last night via doggy door
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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