hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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