i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
