Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
