Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
