i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
