I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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