Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
